Emotional Waterfall 2 months in...

Emotional waterfall, from creative idea to Reality. 

Ups and downs of a NEW small business while dealing with mental health issues. 

The ideas flow like energy through a lightbulb, the excitement of the unknown, the could be, the potentials and possibilities. 

You're going to start a movement, fill a void, service a need, produce the next big thing. The designs spill out on the page, your brain is consumed with potentials, goals, opportunities. 

Weeks of research, days of sourcing, hours of execution. You want it to be just right, perfection is the only option. 

Of course everyone else will like it? I mean, you do right? You understand how much work has gone into each and every aspect of your budding new venture. It is part of you now, a piece of your soul, it's PERSONAL. 

The doubts seep in, what if they don't like it? What if it's NOT good enough? No, it's just business right? I mean you can't please everyone.... That's okay, you don't like or need everything YOU come across. 

The problem is, it's no longer just a thrilling idea, it is alive now, it is living and breathing. You birthed it and now you want to protect it...you...you want to protect YOURSELF from rejection, criticism and ignorance. 

I don't know if I am ready for this. It was exciting when it was a dream, but in the cold light of day, the reality is harsh, bright, hot. You second guess yourself. I AM SO STUPID! why on earth did I think this was a good thing? It should have stayed a fantasy, that way the hope could never be shattered. 

Still...an unknown force is driving you physically. Emotionally you're running in the other direction. 

It IS time. The robe comes away and you're exposed to the world, vulnerable and child like. You feel dizzy with anticipation. 

Silence ...

People are walking past your naked emotions, not even batting an eyelid. Turns out, they're too engrossed in their own shit to care about yours. 

The quiet allows you a moment to exhale, so much was leading up to this point, the moments come and go, minutes ticking by and nothing changed. The world didn't stop, the universe didn't swallow you whole. 

BUT .. I put so much time and energy into getting to this space, am I invisible? Do you people not understand what I've been through? 

No ...

They Don't ...

My lightbulb moment didn't change their lives. 

The silence is defining, but how do I create noise? I now crave the rejection, the criticism, ANYTHING. Love me, hate me at least acknowledge me! 

Well, this is an entire new set of emotions, now, does it get any easier? 

 

Emily Luise with Baby Jaxon in shower

 

- Emily Luise / written 18th October 2021 

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